 |
Executive Director, NACoA
Live Chat With Sis Wenger |
 |
|
|
Executive Director, NACoA
Live Chat With Sis Wenger |
|
How often have we heard someone with an alcohol or drug problem say, "The only person I'm hurting is myself?" Almost invariably there is a family that is deeply wounded by their loved one's substance abuse. In this Web chat we will discuss the resources and means available to family members when a loved one's addiction confronts them.
Sis Wenger is the Executive Director of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA), a national membership and affiliate organization headquartered in Rockville, MD. Building on what is known and advocating for what needs study, she directs NACoA's education, publication and advocacy efforts to bring attention and help the nation's minor children of alcoholics. Sis has been widely recognized for her prevention, education and advocacy work for children, including twice being honored by the White House by President Reagan.
Views and opinions expressed by non-CSAT staff members in the web chats and web casts should not be interpreted as official CSAT policy, but, as the views and opinions of the individuals participating in these events.
Live Chat With Sis Wenger, Executive Director, NACoA
Moderator: Welcome to the CSAT Recovery Month's Live Chat. This evening we will discuss Family Approaches to Addiction/Treatment. Our guest is Sis Wenger, Executive Director of The National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA). Let's Begin!
Question: Where can I call to find out what to say and not to say to a friend with a drug addiction?
Sis Wenger: First, I would suggest that you tell your friend that you are worried about his or her drug use; that you're scared about what that use is doing to them. Tell your friend that you miss them-- you miss your old buddy. Secondly, find people who are connected to your friend, like a parent or a spouse. Make a plan to intervene with your friend. You can get help with intervention by calling a local treatment program and asking who they know that can give you some guidance. You can also ask a local treatment program if they have an outreach person that can give you some guidance. Finally, if you are close to a person who has an addiction, you may find some support at AlAnon or Nar-Anon. And don't forget to never get into a car that your friend is driving. Explain that you will drive to keep you both safe.
Question: What is the best approach to use when someone is drinking too much socially?
Sis Wenger: If you have a family member or a friend who is drinking too much, it is important to speak to them when they are not drinking. Tell them that you are concerned. Tell them how they change when they drink. Include what happens and how you felt about it. Ask them if they would sit at a computer with you and go to the Web site AlcoholScreening.org and go through the questions together. Be sure to be concerned and not accusatory. You could also go to Frequently Asked Questions on ncadi.samhsa.gov.
Question: Where and when are ACOA meetings?
Sis Wenger: You can find Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings through your local Al-Anon. Frequently, there are separate meetings for adult children, however, regular Al-Anon meetings throughout the country average one-third adult children of alcoholics. Therefore, any Al-Anon meeting should be helpful. If you are on the west coast, you may also find meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics. They are listed on the Web at www.AdultChildren.org.
Moderator: We have a couple people saying that they are addicts and need help, what do you suggest?
Sis Wenger: I would give you a number of suggestions. Call a local treatment program and ask if someone can see you and give you an assessment of where you are in your disease and guide you to the right help. I would also suggest you call Alcoholics Anonymous in your phone book. Ask the person who answers the phone to guide you to a meeting or to someone in AA who can help you immediately. If your major drug of choice [is something] other than alcohol, you might want to call Narcotics Anonymous and do the same thing. Call your doctor. Ask your doctor to give you a referral and to help you until you get the treatment you need. If you are employed, you may have an employee assistance program in your company--check on that. You can speak with them in confidence and not worry about losing your job for doing so.
Question: If I am having a problem with alcohol but am also an ACOA, would you recommend Al-Anon or AA?
Sis Wenger: I would recommend both but start with AA. I would also recommend that you see an alcoholism counselor either at a local treatment program or an outpatient facility and ask for a thorough assessment. If you are an ACOA and also have a drinking problem, you are certainly not alone. Both genetics and environment play major roles in the development of alcoholism. It is however, very difficult to address issues that came from growing up in an alcoholic family if you are actively using and abusing alcohol. So first things first.
Question: My son is 27 yrs.....an alcoholic & drug abuse....steals from me....breaks in my house......PLEASE HELP ME.
Sis Wenger: First of all, you must keep yourself and your home safe. You may wish to discuss with the local police how to do that. And tell your son that you have done so. If there are other people living in your house, everyone needs to be in agreement on what course of action you will be taking. Secondly, Al-Anon would be a great support to you in helping you to respond appropriately to your son. Third, I encourage you to find an intervention specialist who can work with you, other family members, and concerned persons to arrange a family intervention and help save your son's life by getting him into treatment.
Question: Hi Sis, thank you very much for taking the time out of your schedule to answer our questions. I have a difficult one for you: I'm in my late 20's; my father has been abusing alcohol for decades. My only solution is to not communicate with him. He's promised not to drink in the past only to renege. The condition may be alcoholism yet he is very physically fit and even regularly runs marathons. I hate going to family get-togethers like Thanksgiving. He gets drunk and then drives my mother home.
Sis Wenger: You have given me a four-part question and I will try to answer each one. Choosing not to communicate with a parent that has an illness may not be the best solution. I would suggest you first learn about the impact that a father's alcoholism or alcohol abuse has had on a developing young person. And I would strongly urge you to begin to attend Al-Anon meetings and do so regularly. Secondly, I would suggest that you make arrangements for your mother's transportation--that you and the rest of the family develop a system to protect her so that she has the strength and resources not to ever ride in a car when your father has been drinking and wants to drive. Families can have meetings pre-arranged in a non-threatening way for the safety of everyone. For example, when your father is sober, you can make arrangements that if he chooses to drink at all, it is agreed that your mother or someone else will drive. So it's pre-agreed and not confronted after the fact, which is never effective. Third, the fact that your father appears to be physically fit and runs marathons does not mean that he doesn't have the disease of alcoholism. The majority of people with alcoholism keep their jobs, function at a moderately successful level in life outside their families, and fool a lot of people including themselves. Fourth, I've mentioned this to an earlier questioner. Your father certainly could benefit from a family intervention. And I would suggest to organize the members of your family with the help of a professional interventionist and guide your father to treatment so that you can all have a better life. Getting drunk at holiday events unfortunately, impacts millions of households. Children of all ages hope and hope that "it will be different this time." And it never is. My only suggestion is to quietly and respectfully get up and leave the table, leave the room, or perhaps leave the house.
Question: What can you do if the person who has the drug/alcohol problem will not admit to their problem? Are you considered an "enabler" if you do not seek help for this person?
Sis Wenger: People who have a drug or alcohol problem are usually deluded about their reality. Consequently, they don't admit it because they can't see it. They will often blame the boss, the spouse, the children, others. As a result, we accuse these people of deliberately denying their reality when in fact they really can't see it. And one-on-one accusations and threats don't work. So once again, I'm going to make two recommendations for you. One is seek help for yourself through Al-Anon or counseling. Two, seek an intervention for the person who has the problem. I've mentioned intervention several times, so let me speak a little more about it. A structured family intervention means the bringing together of the most significant people in the life of the addicted individual and helping those people, through an intervention specialist, to understand their role in the person's addicted behavior and to understand how to lovingly confront the person in a group in such a way that their delusion is cracked and he or she can begin to feel loved and needed.
Question: How do you know if they are attending meetings when they say they are going?
Sis Wenger: Actually, it's really not your business if a person struggling with recovery is attending meetings. What is important is that you take care of your own recovery work. For example, going to your own Al-Anon meetings. It is also important to understand that none of us can control the drinking or drug use of another person. You can be supportive. You can tell them you are concerned. You can ask them to help you not worry so much. But if you aren't doing your own work first, that will ring hollow. If you are a parent or a spouse you may want to have some agreements or "contracts" with the recovering person about what's acceptable and not acceptable behavior. But a person's recovery program through the 12 steps is his or her business and the business of his or her sponsors. Incidentally, a person who's really working a 12-step program has found a healthy sponsor and has found a home group. The home group is where they go every week where other recovering people get to know them and can call them on it when they're slipping.
Question: I am trying to get my husband to see that he has drug and alcohol addictions by letting him know that his late night cooking excursions are dangerous because he recently [he] left some soup cooking and it burned and left another gas burner turned on but without the flame lit. I have gotten up the last 3 nights to check to make sure the stove is off because he has been overmedicating himself on methadone and ambien and alcohol and gets up to cook and then falls asleep in a chair. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and my husband likes to use the excuse that it is my fault for his drinking and that I was a direct cause of my father being an alcoholic, too. I don't drink very often and it pains me to have him drink so much every day. I am looking for intervention resources because he has gone past a "safety point" for himself and our family. He refuses to admit that he has a problem and is afraid of getting the methadone taken away for long-term pain relief for his back and psoriatic arthritis. When he cuts back on the meds he goes into withdrawals. Our youngest son (age 10) is complaining about his stomach hurting and we think that he may have an ulcer. What is the best course of action and do you think that we are in an "emergency" state of needing help?"
Sis Wenger: I think I will answer the last question first. I would suggest that you are pretty close to emergency if not already there. Now let's talk about your youngest son. It is important to take him to your doctor, to level with the doctor on everything that's happening at home. Ask the doctor to help you get help for your husband. If the doctor doesn't care for your whole family, ask him to contact your husband's doctor and work with him. Your son definitely needs assistance. Three possibilities for assistance: (1) Alateen--call your local Al-Anon that sponsors Alateen meetings for a location and help. (2) Many schools have counselors or student assistance programs that offer educational support groups in the school setting for school-aged children. Remember that one out of four children has an alcohol abusing or addicted parent, therefore, your children are not alone and you should not be concerned about calling the school to ask what services they have to offer. My third was to talk to your doctor as soon as possible. Regarding your husband: yes, find a local intervention specialist through local treatment programs, through the person who's prescribing the medicine for your husband, and ask the medical person as well as the intervention specialist to help you. Because your husband is under medical supervision, I would start there and insist on them helping you. Regarding your husband's accusation about you being the cause of your father's drinking--that is completely false. It is not possible for a child ever to cause a parent to drink or use drugs. Your father had a disease and it's not your fault. It is important, however, that you receive counseling/therapy for yourself. It appears that you have suffered for a lifetime from other people's alcoholism or drug addiction. So please seek help for yourself through Al-Anon and through ACOA therapy. Finally, it is important to tell your husband the next day, after he has been drinking or using drugs, how scared you are that what happens when he's under the influence could kill you and especially could kill your children. Ask him to please get help so that your children can be safe. If the behavior continues, as a mother, you need to take action to keep your children safe. Finally, keep asking for help until you get it on every one of these items. You deserve it and your children deserve it.
Question: My sister is a recovering drug user. Over the years, she's caused our family a lot of pain. I want to support her, but at the same time, I am very angry/disappointed with her. How do I deal with this anger so that I can be more supportive of her recovery efforts?
Sis Wenger: Your sister and your family have been caused a lot of pain because of a disease called addiction. All of you need help. You have a right to be angry about the sadness and damage that has been caused. But I hope that the anger is focused on the disease and not on the person that you want to support. Ways that you can deal with your anger include going to Al-Anon meetings regularly at least six months before you have an opinion about them. If that doesn't work, seek counseling. If there was addiction in your family, for example with one of your parents, you may be dealing with more issues than just your sister's addiction. The best way for you to support an addicted family member is to get the right kind of counseling and do the right kind of 12-step support work for yourself. Tell your sister that you love her and that you are glad she is working to recover and that you understand that it is a long, hard job. Tell her that you've been very angry and that you've decided to deal with that anger because you realize you are responsible for handling your own feelings and that you are happy she is doing her best to handle hers. And good luck.
Question: How can I help my soon to be husband get away from shooting dope?
Sis Wenger: It is important that you realize that you cannot control another person's drug use. If a person is in any form of addiction, the addiction will continue to get worse unless the drug use stops and recovery begins. So if you marry this person, you are guaranteed to have far more trouble in the future than you have now. So my suggestion to you is go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Find a counselor who specializes in addiction and who understands marriage counseling (or is a marriage counselor) and discuss with that person what your concerns are. I would further suggest that if you are planning to marry within a church religious congregation, that you speak with the person involved in the marriage preparation and ask that person for assistance. But if you were my daughter, knowing what I know about alcohol and drug abuse and addiction, I would try very hard to help you understand that if your soon-to-be-husband has a strong relationship with using drugs, that he has no capacity to have a healthy relationship with you. Please think twice before you make a life decision like marriage to a person who has addiction until that person is in solid recovery for at least a year.
Question: We are seeking information on possible referrals for a residential facility for my adult son who is in need of treatment for his alcohol and related psychological problems.
Sis Wenger: There are a number of sources for you to find the right referral for your son. First you can go to the Web site http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/facilitylocatordoc.htm and see what is in your local area. I would suggest you also speak to your family doctor or your son's doctor and ask for his or her help in referring to an addiction specialist who can give your son a complete assessment in order to determine the best possible facility for him. You mentioned alcohol and related psychological problems. People with alcoholism frequently present with symptoms of psychological problems. These problems may be real or symptomatic of alcoholism. Therefore, it is important that a professional who understands both do the assessment.
Moderator: That concludes our chat for this evening. To learn more about both recovery and Recovery Month, please visit: http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/2001. Thank you for your participation. Sis, thank you for lending your expertise. Good night.
Views and opinions expressed by non-CSAT staff members in the web chats and web casts should not be interpreted as official CSAT policy, but, as the views and opinions of the individuals participating in these events.